Two Poems About One Loss

(1)

I smoke too much,

And now my head hurts when I walk,

But maybe it’s not the cigarettes.

Perhaps it’s the echo of the lies you told

Pounding in my head.

 

I drink too much,

And now my eyes burn when I look outside,

But maybe it’s not the booze.

Perhaps it’s the fear of seeing you with her

That made me wish to go blind.

 

I took too many pills,

And now I can’t find my bed,

But maybe it’s not the drugs.

Perhaps it’s the home where we lied

Makes me loose my mind.

(2)

You were everything I needed,

And now you’re not mine,

I wanted to come see you,

But all I’d do is cry.

Your ginger hair,

And the guitar you play,

Has made a home in my mind,

I can no longer stay.

So one day I’ll leave,

To where you can not go,

Please do not follow me,

You can not stoop that low.

I will write you a note,

Tell you that I have gone,

Do not cry for me,

During dusk or through the dawn.

A Letter To Nobody In Particular

Dear higher power,

Whatever you may be,

Why does it hurt so badly?

Why did you do this to me?

 

My mind is aching,

I can no longer sleep,

I’ve tried to tell my lover,

He doesn’t hear a peep.

 

I’m screaming at the walls,

I’m trying to get it across,

I don’t know how to handle,

All that I have lost.

 

I feel I’m going mad,

These thoughts are running wild,

I do not want to do this,

Please give me a death that is mild.

 

I am just so tired,

I have nothing left to give,

I need a different mind,

A different life to live.

Moments

I love you in a

Strange way.

Because I know I don’t want

A future with you.

But I want to share

This with you.

When I am alone in bed at

Night I crave your touch.

When I get coffee in the morning

I want your conversation.

When I work

I wish you would visit.

I crave moments with you.

Not a life.

Mirror: Part Five

The day went by. Different than before, I went outside today. I walked to a coffeeshop and brought along the book and I watched life happen around me. It was beautiful. Things were different today, I looked up in the mirror about the coffeehouse sofa, my face done up, my hair brushed, and a dress covering the frightful sight of an unloved body. I called my mother today, she said she’s come by to see me multiple times, I don’t recall, but I don’t tell her than. I come home while my boyfriend is at a meeting. I think of all the good things that have filled my day. I think of all the hurt that filled the past months.

I don’t remember smashing the mirror. But I do remember the feeling of the glass against the soft flesh of my wrist.

Mirror: Part Four

We finished our coffee and we kissed and his hands found their way to my waist, then my stomach, then my breasts. I inhaled sharply.

“Is this okay?” He asked gently. I nodded in response.

“I don’t want to push you.” I smiled and kissed him again. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, as he carried me up the stairs. He laid me on the bed and straightened himself to take his shirt off, then hovered back over my body. He peeled his large shirt over my head and kissed my neck, and down my body. He was so gentle and patient. He kissed between my thighs and my legs opened for his like a book. I gasped and I ran my fingers through his hair. When his face returned to mine I felt down his body, he was so warm in contrast to my hands. I fumbled with his belt for so long I felt like crying. I’m not sure why, I get that that feeling a lot though. He kissed my forehead and laughed.

“It’s okay.” And he helped undress himself. When I felt him inside me again it all felt new, but it was still beautiful, we breathed deeply together, I pushed against him to try and place myself on top. He turned and held my hips so we never even had to separate our bodies, but I got up so I could face away from him. I was slower than he normally liked but I was still getting my rhythm back and I knew he understood, when I opened my eyes I found myself facing the mirror once again. I was the same girl I was that morning but I looked more alive, and it looked like I was dancing.

I miss the dancing.

Mirror: Part Three

He finished making the coffee, and handed me a cup. He told me about his work and his schooling and his family and mine. How could I have missed out on so much life? He told me he was just glad to see me out of bed again, and I recalled a time where we would go out for breakfast and laugh and feel and everything felt right. But things were different then, of course I miss it too, of course if I had a say in how my mind worked, I would tell it to stop feeling sorry for itself but that doesn’t seem to work. He placed his mug beside me and used both of his hands to cup my face. I looked into his eyes and just prayed he saw something more than I did when I was looking into the mirror earlier.

“You are so beautiful.” He said as he pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back deeply, but not too deeply. The last time he commented on how passionately I kissed him, it was because I was going to kill myself later that evening. It would be rude to remind him of that today.

Mirror: Part Two

I decided to get out of bed today. I placed my feet firmly on the ground and I stood up a little too quickly and my body hated me for a moment. My stomach feeling like throwing away everything inside my body like I wasn’t empty enough to begin with. I breathed deeply and slowly until it settled and I walked down the stairs towards the dinning room. Between our bedroom and there, we had five mirrors. Each one I passed I stared not at, but through. I felt like a ghost, I found comfort in that feeling. I was startled by a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see my lover and I felt full, for just a moment.

“Out of bed, and before noon at that. We call that progress, darling.” I smiled at the thought of not being a disappointment. I walked to the counter.

“Wheres the coffee machine?” I asked softly, afraid my voice may rattle my bones and force me to crumble once again.

“You smashed the pot last week, don’t you remember?” I didn’t but I didn’t say anything. He pulled out a French press and began boiling some water, and then sat my body atop the counter and pressed his face into my chest while wrapping his arms around me.

“I’ve missed you.”