Thank you for teaching me love, 

A lesson they skipped between world wars and algebra. 

Thank you for showing me the difference it makes to sleep with someone you actually care about. 

You broke my heart and I can’t find all the pieces. 

Without you the world feels colder. 

The empty gaps where you once lived 

Are leasing to vodka and lips that aren’t yours 

Because I need to feel something that isn’t the pain of your arms not around me. 

And I’m drowning in all the things I never said to you and I tried to swallow the words but now I’m choking on them and if this kills me

I thank you


Personal Post 2

One year ago today I had an abortion. I didn’t think much of of it at the time but thinking back to what a crappy place I was in this time last year is so heartbreaking. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant when I found out, I decided to handle it on my own. I carried on like everything was fine. I would get up in the morning and go downstairs to throw up in the sink because my family would all be upstairs and I didn’t want them to ask any questions. I would go to university and cry in the bathrooms between classes and sit near the exit so I could run out and puke if I felt the urge without disrupting the prof. I called the clinic after class in the library bathroom because I couldn’t call at home in fear of my family hearing. After I made the appointment to have a consultation with one of the doctors I called the boy that got me pregnant, and asked him to meet me for coffee. Him and I had been sleeping together on and off for about three years and had never ‘gone for coffee’. We both knew we weren’t ready for something like this. We were both 18, living at home. We didn’t even know how to take care of ourselves. He offered to come with me to the consultation, I told him he wouldn’t be able to sit in but it would be nice if he could pick me up. I don’t dive and it was a brutal Canadian winter, I told him what time and what hospital and we said we would see each other then.

The consultation went smoothly, it was mostly making sure it was my choice, and if I was sure I knew all my options, and setting me up on a more reliable birth control (I was taking the pill before and my antibiotics I was taking cancelled it out). Afterward I texted him and I waited for half an hour, he just never showed. I took the bus home and I called him several times, he texted me saying “I have too much going on in my life right now, I’m so sorry but I just can’t deal with this as well”. I had never asked him to come, he offered and left me waiting without a word, I had a lot going on too, I was approaching midterms but if I just didn’t show, I would have to carry a fetus to term. I needed a ride home from the hospital after the procedure because they won’t let you leave anole so I called my best friend and she agreed to pick me up after. Once again, the proceeder wasn’t bad, I knew I was making the right choice and I was prepared to go through with it. There were 5 other girls in the room, I was the only one alone. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was so lonely, I was to hurt, I was so betrayed. But I was also so strong, and the other girls there were amazing, and my best friend was there for me in a way that I could never repay her for.

There’s not real reason that I’m writing this other than the fact that I don’t have anyone else to share this with.


I hope you cry for me one day,

The way I cried for you.


She will cry,

She will cry over you like there is no tomorrow,

She will cry until her throat is raw,

And until her hair is a mess.

Her screams will echo through the walls,

And there will be nothing beautiful about it.


She will tear out the pages of her notebook that she dedicated to you,

And swear that your name will never again appear on the crisp pages that are so important to her,

But two days later the words won’t come,

And she’ll find herself sprawling your name over and over until the ink blurs and merges with her tears.


She will curse you,

And curse herself,

And curse the skies for everything,

And for nothing.


There will be days when the sun shines,

But all she can see is rain and clouds,

And days when she won’t see anything at all.


And fuck,

She will love you even though her heart is breaking,

Because she gave you a part of herself,

That you refuse to return.


But know this,

She will also learn to forget you.


So when she walks by you in two months time,

Laughing and smiling without a care in the world,

You will wonder how she slipped through your fingers,

And she won’t care.