The wind is harsh on my skin and I must admit that I love the feeling. I primarily have used this blog as a place to write poetry but I would like to try something new. I was to take more time to explore myself and my thoughts and I want to expand my horizons.
I want to write not only in metaphors and stanzas. I will be writing bluntly about many aspects of my life. a wide range from fashion and lifestyle to mental health and sex work. I want to write about ugliness as much as beauty and I am aware that not everything will appeal to the same group of people but I just hope that some of what I write will speak to someone.
I’ll forever live
As the 17 year old
Who let a man twice her age
Convince her she was nothing.
No matter how hard
I try to scrub that off
I remember how warm your hands were and sometime
Only sometimes I miss how they held me.
Most of the time I remember how they burned me,
Into never wanting to touch another persons flesh again
I know its wrong
But sometime I miss how exciting my life was
when I was unwell
I wrote poems about you before I knew anyone like you even existed
I’m not sure where the illness ends
Or where I begin
And thats a harder pill to swallow
Than the three bottles of antidepressants I took this morning
But how long can you live
On Suicide hotlines
And wine coolers
So what have you told her about me?
Did you tell her about my poetry
Or the way your back arched when my lips touched your neck?
Did you tell her you loved me
Or that I waited hours for you while you worked?
Did you tell her you ignored me when I hurt
Or that you looked at me like a project that needed fixing?
Did you tell her you cried for me?
Did you tell her I spent two months in a psychiatric ward?
Did you tell her I was too crazy for you?
Did you tell her you felt sorry for me?
Did you tell her you were happy she never reminds you of me?
Does she look at you like a hero for putting up with me?
Does she want to be everything I couldn’t be for you?
Does she always have a smile on her face?
I’m not your sob story to tell.
I hurt so deeply
And you were afraid of drowning
I can’t blame you for this
I’ve been floating in it since I was 12
The hurt feels like home now
You can’t run every time the water hits the shore
All I needed was a lifeguard
And you disappeared
He’s all the art shows you didn’t have time for
He’s all the concerts you had no interest in
He’s every poem you couldn’t understand
He’s not you
And I will always love you
But he is him
And he understands every part of me that felt unloved while I was with you