Thank you for teaching me love,
A lesson they skipped between world wars and algebra.
Thank you for showing me the difference it makes to sleep with someone you actually care about.
You broke my heart and I can’t find all the pieces.
Without you the world feels colder.
The empty gaps where you once lived
Are leasing to vodka and lips that aren’t yours
Because I need to feel something that isn’t the pain of your arms not around me.
And I’m drowning in all the things I never said to you and I tried to swallow the words but now I’m choking on them and if this kills me
I thank you
I hate that every time I hurt myself, I hurt him.
I hate that I cannot be well for him.
I hate that this is just as draining for him.
I hate knowing that he deserves so much better.
I have never loved myself,
But my god,
I love you so much,
I forget what hating myself,
Love isn’t always someone gently kissing you at the end of the night.
Love isn’t always understanding why he hurt you so terribly.
Love isn’t always him begging on his knees for forgiveness.
But love is not crying yourself to sleep over a boy who only calls you at two in the morning after he has drowned his pain in a bottle.
I hope you cry for me one day,
The way I cried for you.
I haven’t been writing like before,
The only thing that drives me to pick up a pen anymore are a few glasses of whiskey.
I haven’t been singing lately,
The way I did with you in the shower,
Maybe because I’m always on my own and things we used to do together makes me feel lonely.
I don’t sleep enough,
I only dream of you at my feet and waking up is too painful.
When you left you left your sent on my skin and I’ve scrubbed for three days straight but you just won’t disappear.
I don’t go to all my classes,
They feel too long and I’m not paying attention anyway.
I don’t paint,
I always find my way to the colour of your eyes and it’s not beautiful anymore,
I don’t spend much time at home,
The walls want to know where you went and I don’t have the answer.
I forgot to eat today,
I didn’t realize until I got ill and had nothing in my system but the vodka that goes down like water these days.
It was never really love,
The relief in your departure assured me of that,
The way you kissed me was not gentle,
It was hungry,
And the way you embraced me was not tender,
And i miss the taste of you,
Not my lips but in my mouth,
We had cut the strings of emotion that confine our purley selfish selfs.
You don’t have to love me,
You don’t even have to want me,
Just fuck me like you hate me