Just so you know

The hurt

The sex

The abandonment

Id do it all over again

 

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The Night The Sea Swallowed Me

I hurt so deeply 
And you were afraid of drowning 

I can’t blame you for this

I’ve been floating in it since I was 12

The hurt feels like home now

But fuck

You can’t run every time the water hits the shore 

All I needed was a lifeguard 

And you disappeared 

Shatter

I didn’t love him. 

But he loved the parts of me I couldn’t stand. 

So we played house 

Until I burt it to the ground. 

I Hope She Makes You Miserable 

Lipstick stained cigarettes and old bookshops will remind you of me even if you can’t remember what you’re remembering. 

Skin to Skin

He gently stokes the skin along my neck.

He does it in a way that was never meant to be erotic

but rather like a father trying to sooth his child to sleep.

He kisses the top of my head to remind me once again that he is here.

That I am here.

It’s easy to forget every now and then.

I press my head deeper upon his chest.

Here things seem slow and calm and real.

He moves his face toward mine and grazes his lips upon my forehead.

Then my cheek,

and pauses at my lips.

He glides his finger over my mouth and I pout so we’re closer.

Sometimes skin to skin still doesn’t feel like enough.

His lips meet mine and they dance slowly,

gracefully.

In a way I didn’t think it was possible for me to move.

He tastes of the wine we had just finished

but I guess I was still craving it.

 

“Your Positive Ideology With Suicide”

Your positive ideology with suicide is clouding you, he said.

But when looked at my bleeding arm in the bathtub the night before it was the first time my head felt clear in months.

Your positive ideology with suicide is toxic, he said.

But the toxicity was in my mind long before the suicidal thoughts, you see.

What else could have driven me to take line after line after line from her shaking key.

What else could have caused me to claw and love every man who resembled my father.

What else could have driven me to just stop going to school.

The toxins where what drove me to suicide. Suicide did not drive the toxins.

Jellybean

Jellybean,

You keep me keen

You seem to adore me

Even with all you’ve seen

My jumping jellybean.

Darling,

Don’t say you’re parting

Only in dreams do I have someone like you

You would leave me starving

My dearest darling.

Buttercup,

I know I’ve fucked up

But I’m dying you see

This is merely a hiccough

My beautiful buttercup.

Lover

I know you have another

But she’ll never hold you

Like I under the cover

My lone  lover.

Dear,

You are now something I fear

How stupid of me

To think you’d shed even a single tear.

My damnedest dear.

 

It’s Getting Worse

I will write you poems,

From the blood the pours from my wrist.

The colour of your eyes in the sunlight,

Matches the noose hanging in my closet.

Your hand grips mine so passionately,

The same way I held the empty pill bottle.

Your sent is intoxicating,

I just wish I could be locked with it inside a plastic bag.

You gently splashed me in the tub,

And the waves made me want to go to the sea and swim as far as I could so I couldn’t make it back.

I thought loving you would make me better, but you have given death a romantic touch. And I love her more than I could ever love you.