Do you have memories that are oft forgotten, but a certain smell, or sound can trigger the memory to play so vividly you feel every single thing you felt that night.
Winter, brings the pain and the heartbreak for me. The snow crunching beneath my feet. I was eighteen, I was wild and beautiful and I was walking home at four in the morning with a man almost twice my age and two hundred dollars worth of cocaine in my pocket.
I was so happy. The air hurt my face, and Carl and I spilt his last cigarette. The night was blurred but I remember being in his bed. I remember him telling me he cared. I remember the lyrics he wrote about me. And that he couldn’t sleep with me.
He said he wanted to and that I was beautiful. But I think he just wanted to take care of me.
I remember how warm your hands were and sometime
Only sometimes I miss how they held me.
Most of the time I remember how they burned me,
Into never wanting to touch another persons flesh again
I wrote poems about you before I knew anyone like you even existed
But how long can you live
On Suicide hotlines
And wine coolers
I hurt so deeply
And you were afraid of drowning
I can’t blame you for this
I’ve been floating in it since I was 12
The hurt feels like home now
You can’t run every time the water hits the shore
All I needed was a lifeguard
And you disappeared
He’s all the art shows you didn’t have time for
He’s all the concerts you had no interest in
He’s every poem you couldn’t understand
He’s not you
And I will always love you
But he is him
And he understands every part of me that felt unloved while I was with you
He unlearned how to touch me
any way than with a closed fist.
I’m sorry I tried to kill myself in your bed.
But I felt so alive there it frightened me.