Thank you for teaching me love,
A lesson they skipped between world wars and algebra.
Thank you for showing me the difference it makes to sleep with someone you actually care about.
You broke my heart and I can’t find all the pieces.
Without you the world feels colder.
The empty gaps where you once lived
Are leasing to vodka and lips that aren’t yours
Because I need to feel something that isn’t the pain of your arms not around me.
And I’m drowning in all the things I never said to you and I tried to swallow the words but now I’m choking on them and if this kills me
I thank you
I miss it you know
I miss the sleepless night driving by little white lines
I miss waking up in unfamiliar beds
I miss smoking until my lungs hurt
I miss the girl I used to be
So broken, so complex, so
I’ll forever live
As the 17 year old
Who let a man twice her age
Convince her she was nothing.
No matter how hard
I try to scrub that off
I remember how warm your hands were and sometime
Only sometimes I miss how they held me.
Most of the time I remember how they burned me,
Into never wanting to touch another persons flesh again
You have eyes to kill over and you don’t know this because men don’t seem to like compliments like this
Your coffee order is complex and I have a feeling its metaphorical for the personality you obtain
The window lets the sun play with your bleached blonde locks and I’m jealous that the sun is able to explore you while I keep my distance.
People say being lonely is sad and unfortunate but the way you old yourself proves
Being alone is not the same as being lonely
I wrote poems about you before I knew anyone like you even existed
But how long can you live
On Suicide hotlines
And wine coolers
So what have you told her about me?
Did you tell her about my poetry
Or the way your back arched when my lips touched your neck?
Did you tell her you loved me
Or that I waited hours for you while you worked?
Did you tell her you ignored me when I hurt
Or that you looked at me like a project that needed fixing?
Did you tell her you cried for me?
Did you tell her I spent two months in a psychiatric ward?
Did you tell her I was too crazy for you?
Did you tell her you felt sorry for me?
Did you tell her you were happy she never reminds you of me?
Does she look at you like a hero for putting up with me?
Does she want to be everything I couldn’t be for you?
Does she always have a smile on her face?
I’m not your sob story to tell.
I hurt so deeply
And you were afraid of drowning
I can’t blame you for this
I’ve been floating in it since I was 12
The hurt feels like home now
You can’t run every time the water hits the shore
All I needed was a lifeguard
And you disappeared