Thank you for teaching me love,
A lesson they skipped between world wars and algebra.
Thank you for showing me the difference it makes to sleep with someone you actually care about.
You broke my heart and I can’t find all the pieces.
Without you the world feels colder.
The empty gaps where you once lived
Are leasing to vodka and lips that aren’t yours
Because I need to feel something that isn’t the pain of your arms not around me.
And I’m drowning in all the things I never said to you and I tried to swallow the words but now I’m choking on them and if this kills me
I thank you
But how long can you live
On Suicide hotlines
And wine coolers
I hurt so deeply
And you were afraid of drowning
I can’t blame you for this
I’ve been floating in it since I was 12
The hurt feels like home now
You can’t run every time the water hits the shore
All I needed was a lifeguard
And you disappeared
I didn’t love him.
But he loved the parts of me I couldn’t stand.
So we played house
Until I burt it to the ground.
Lipstick stained cigarettes and old bookshops will remind you of me even if you can’t remember what you’re remembering.
You can praise yourself for gluing my shattered heart together again
but don’t leave out the part where you dropped it near the end.
He gently stokes the skin along my neck.
He does it in a way that was never meant to be erotic
but rather like a father trying to sooth his child to sleep.
He kisses the top of my head to remind me once again that he is here.
That I am here.
It’s easy to forget every now and then.
I press my head deeper upon his chest.
Here things seem slow and calm and real.
He moves his face toward mine and grazes his lips upon my forehead.
Then my cheek,
and pauses at my lips.
He glides his finger over my mouth and I pout so we’re closer.
Sometimes skin to skin still doesn’t feel like enough.
His lips meet mine and they dance slowly,
In a way I didn’t think it was possible for me to move.
He tastes of the wine we had just finished
but I guess I was still craving it.
I smoke too much,
And now my head hurts when I walk,
But maybe it’s not the cigarettes.
Perhaps it’s the echo of the lies you told
Pounding in my head.
I drink too much,
And now my eyes burn when I look outside,
But maybe it’s not the booze.
Perhaps it’s the fear of seeing you with her
That made me wish to go blind.
I took too many pills,
And now I can’t find my bed,
But maybe it’s not the drugs.
Perhaps it’s the home where we lied
Makes me loose my mind.
You were everything I needed,
And now you’re not mine,
I wanted to come see you,
But all I’d do is cry.
Your ginger hair,
And the guitar you play,
Has made a home in my mind,
I can no longer stay.
So one day I’ll leave,
To where you can not go,
Please do not follow me,
You can not stoop that low.
I will write you a note,
Tell you that I have gone,
Do not cry for me,
During dusk or through the dawn.
Dear higher power,
Whatever you may be,
Why does it hurt so badly?
Why did you do this to me?
My mind is aching,
I can no longer sleep,
I’ve tried to tell my lover,
He doesn’t hear a peep.
I’m screaming at the walls,
I’m trying to get it across,
I don’t know how to handle,
All that I have lost.
I feel I’m going mad,
These thoughts are running wild,
I do not want to do this,
Please give me a death that is mild.
I am just so tired,
I have nothing left to give,
I need a different mind,
A different life to live.