Id do it all over again
Id do it all over again
I’m sorry I tried to kill myself in your bed.
But I felt so alive there it frightened me.
I didn’t love him.
But he loved the parts of me I couldn’t stand.
So we played house
Until I burt it to the ground.
He gently stokes the skin along my neck.
He does it in a way that was never meant to be erotic
but rather like a father trying to sooth his child to sleep.
He kisses the top of my head to remind me once again that he is here.
That I am here.
It’s easy to forget every now and then.
I press my head deeper upon his chest.
Here things seem slow and calm and real.
He moves his face toward mine and grazes his lips upon my forehead.
Then my cheek,
and pauses at my lips.
He glides his finger over my mouth and I pout so we’re closer.
Sometimes skin to skin still doesn’t feel like enough.
His lips meet mine and they dance slowly,
In a way I didn’t think it was possible for me to move.
He tastes of the wine we had just finished
but I guess I was still craving it.
I will fuck you until I feel whole again.
I spent the summer with boys I didn’t care about and straying from my books,
Fall has awoken me and turned me into a poet again.
So here is my heart happily on my sleeve,
If you choose not to take it do not feel bad,
My chest may be empty,
But my notebooks are glad.
Love isn’t always someone gently kissing you at the end of the night.
Love isn’t always understanding why he hurt you so terribly.
Love isn’t always him begging on his knees for forgiveness.
But love is not crying yourself to sleep over a boy who only calls you at two in the morning after he has drowned his pain in a bottle.
I never saw myself as the type to commit. Going from one night stands and blackout drunk nights with men whose names I couldn’t recall if you asked, to spending evenings at art galleries and coffee shops, family dinners and movie marathons. Discussing upbringings and debating religious views. My romantic life has been switched upside down to something I am no longer ashamed of, and I am so grateful.
I beg in my thoughts
I can’t bare the distance.
Though We’re only inches apart
Your lack of communication
Makes it feel so much further.
This time its my body pleading
Not my mind.
I move towards you ever so slowly
My knees gently tapping at yours.
“Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me”
The echo in my mind won’t shut up
It won’t stop
I don’t know how to make it stop
But you must have heard it.
Because you turn at last
Your hand finds it’s way to mine
And traces designs I didn’t bother to decipher.
I held your hand in place,
When the voice in my mind finally stopped
Yours must have started screaming.
Your other hand found its way to my knee
The one you knew would make me squirm
I quiver beneath your touch
Your hand continues to explore.
You linger along the gentle curve of my breast.
The voice in my head noticed before I did
She was talking again
Speaking of sins only those in love should commit
But she didn’t care in the moment
Neither did I.
I stopped wanting him to kiss me
Because I decided to lean in and kiss him myself.
He brought one of my legs around
It swung so I was sitting perfectly atop his hips.
I learned that his voice did not reside in his mind
But beneath the fabric of his jeans
That separate him and me.
Oh how I wanted him
In whatever way I could have him
I simply needed to be closer.
My lips took home on his neck
I was never one to believe in love
But I assume people believe it in because of moments like these.
Our bodies yarn for one another
We press against each other
In ways I didn’t know one could move.
It was cold in the room
But my body felt so warm
And full of feelings for a boy I hardly knew.
A button from my favourite dress
Was lost in the heat of the evening.
Things perhaps did not go as
Smoothly as they could have
But I never would have changed a thing.
Because the plans I had for
This evening initially
Never could have compared to the way
It felt to sleep in your arms.
I haven’t been writing like before,
The only thing that drives me to pick up a pen anymore are a few glasses of whiskey.
I haven’t been singing lately,
The way I did with you in the shower,
Maybe because I’m always on my own and things we used to do together makes me feel lonely.
I don’t sleep enough,
I only dream of you at my feet and waking up is too painful.
When you left you left your sent on my skin and I’ve scrubbed for three days straight but you just won’t disappear.
I don’t go to all my classes,
They feel too long and I’m not paying attention anyway.
I don’t paint,
I always find my way to the colour of your eyes and it’s not beautiful anymore,
I don’t spend much time at home,
The walls want to know where you went and I don’t have the answer.
I forgot to eat today,
I didn’t realize until I got ill and had nothing in my system but the vodka that goes down like water these days.